Friday, May 13, 2011

Scary Dolls

A friend of mine has staunchly maintained that dolls are creepy.

Our house has quite a few dolls (some are even my children's play things), and I would still staunchly argue that most range from ugly to harmless.

However, there are some which I will fully concede are just damn weird.

(The rest of this post could also be subtitled: Toys to never ever get my children.)

Mostly they're the ones that do stuff or try to be overly life like (Uncanny Valley, anyone?), but some also fall into the kinda creepy category because of exceptionally poor design.

Baby Alive Bouncin' Babbles- This one isn't the most threatening looking dolly off hand, she actually is on the smaller side and marginally cute (at least as far as mass produced molded plastic goes). BUT should you be unfortunate enough to walk by an aisle of these things? They all start making creepy cooing giggle noises and bouncing at you, declaring (in babytalk) how they want to eat your soul. The previous version was supposed to actually crawl, which appears to have been discontinued as I can't presently find it online (that's a good thing). I can think of few things more terrifying than TOYS crawling after me babbling.

Monster High Dolls- These are new arrivals to the fashion doll scene, and are just a terrifying combination of the Barbie doll toy concept, Bratz style and body proportions, and a questionably unhealthy Halloween devotion. They also have a corresponding animated tv show, which I'm sure sets exactly the view of a skanky multicultural high school I want to instill on my little girls (spoiler alert: Cleo is the bitch. Thank you Target video preview showcase with child height play buttons for gifting me with that information).

Clawdeen Wolf, Lagoona Blue, Cleo De Nile, Deuce Gorden, Frankie Stein, Draculaura

By the way, little girls of mine, if you think you're getting out the house in one of those outfits when you're 14, I just might let your father carry through on some of his threats of locking you in your room and burning your clothes.

Singing Justin Bieber Doll- It's a Justin Bieber doll that sings a Justin Bieber song. Do I need to say more to explain why this one is terrifying? Nope, I didn't think so. Oh, except that there is MORE THAN ONE Justin Bieber doll singing Justin Bieber songs. 

We Really Did It Dora- Now, I'm not a big fan of Dora the Explorer in the first place (have you ever watched that tv show? *shudder*), and combing her less-than-great likability with the functions of a Chicken-Dance-Tickle-Me-Elmo just doesn't bring about a good product.

(Also, please never get my children a Tickle-Me-Elmo of any variety. I'm sure they would love it and I would want to smash it with a brick within the first three seconds. Or the Barney playing a banjo version, that one might even be worse. And definitely not the overpriced moonwalking Mickey Mouse spaz, that one might scare Kristina as much as me.)

Swappin' Styles- This is the Barbie doll with a removable head. You can buy additional single heads to put on the basic doll, or opt for the nice combo pack pictured to the right which comes with a few extra starter heads. They've also done away with conventional doll shoes, and now just have you change her feet. Yep, there's just something about the rack of Barbie heads and feet that make me go *blarrrgh* and start counting how many years of sweet innocent pastel ponies I have left with the girls before our house turns into Wannabe Whore Creepy Fashion Doll Central.

(Dearest little girls, please stay little forever. Love, Mama.)

((Unless staying little means wanting a baby doll that shits. In that case, please grow up fast.))

Baby Alive Whoopsie Doo Baby Doll- Um... here, I'll just quote the official description: Playing "mommy" is more fun than ever with this BABY ALIVE doll that "eats" and "poops" just like a real baby!

Yeah, no. I clean up enough crap, pooping dolls are not allowed in this house.Want to know what else isn't allowed in this house? Baby dolls that poop AND talk. No really, NONE OF THEM are allowed. Period.

(Seriously Hasbro, how many crapping dolls are needed in this world??)

The Breast Milk Baby- This is one that I really want to like, for all those lofty "breast feeding is perfectly natural and Americans are just prudes" ideals. But it still weirds me out. Best I can tell, the child wears a boobie bib which the doll latches onto and makes sucky noises. Kristina pretending to nurse her dolls (and the occasional stuffed dog or giraffe) doesn't bother me in the slightest, but these things just give me the willies. Oh, and they're overpriced.

But hey, at least they don't poop.


  1. The Justin Bieber he'd make such a great prank gift.

    There is one doll I saw on a foreign commercial of a boy baby whose wee wee comes up and pisses when you take off his diaper...

  2. The Breast Milk Baby! I hope the marketing slogan is "Because your never too young to role play having mastitis!"