Thursday, June 16, 2011
Questions for my Children
Why must you sit together and then fight?
No really, I put you in separate chairs or on opposite sides of the couch, and three seconds later you two are snuggled closer than horny teenagers in the back of a movie theater. And then about three seconds after that one of you is annoying the other one and them both of you start screeching. So I stick you back in your separate seats, only to again find the pair of you nestled back on top of each other mere moments later. And then one of you starts pulling hair or stealing toys. Again.
Why is my food always better than yours?
I give you butter on your pasta and me sauce, you eat mine. I give you sauce and me butter, you eat mine. I give you butter and me butter, and you eat mine. And then you decide to return the food sharing favor later by attempting to force your slightly soggy gold fish into my mouth. Thanks kid, but next time can I just eat my lunch from my plate without your stealing fingers or demands for bites constantly interrupting?
Why must you accompany me into the bathroom?
Really, ours don't even have windows in them. I can't escape. At best all I can do is lock the door, which is not a valid reason to fling yourself to the floor and sob inconsolably about how Mommy wouldn't let you into the bathroom with her. I know this is hard to understand, as you love carrying on long and involved conversations during your bathroom visits with me, but sometimes grown-ups just want two minutes to pee in peace. You know, without an audience or small person trying to climb into their lap or unroll the toilet paper or making comments about it being smelly or wanting to see the results or arguing over who gets to flush. I know, adults are really weird.
Why do you only sleep in on the days we need to get out the door early?
Our schedule is pretty lax, many days you could sleep past 8 and it wouldn't matter. So how come on the mornings when Mommy would love to sleep in a little you are all up by 5:30 while on the days when I need you up and dressed I have to pry you from your nest of blankets? I keep hearing that this will straighten out some by the time you are teenagers, but I'm not sure if I can make it 10 more years before I get to sleep past dawn on occasionally.
Why must you throw everything?
Food, clothes, rocks, toys, sand. Anything you can pick up you like to throw. WHY? Why is it so hard to just hand me the shirt you "can't" put on, instead of chucking it at from across the room? We go through this on a daily basis, but apparently sleep erases all memories of preferred behavior (and yet, not Mommy's newest chocolate hiding place).