Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Still Faking It

Although I'm sure there's some law of nature in existence somewhere that says if you fake it long enough you just sorta become it, I still feel like I'm just faking it for most of my life.

I know I'm totally faking it on the self confidence part on a daily basis, through a delightful combination of just being too tired to give a crap anymore and a very well practiced outward projection of an inner calm that doesn't exist inside me.

I'm pretty sure I'm faking it on any lofty philosophical idea of life being ok by simply being in denial about as much of it as I can be as much as time allows.

I still sorta think I'm faking it on being a pretty good parent, but this is definitely one of those where doing the actions without the conviction somehow becomes the conviction itself.

For example, I keep my children fairly neat and clean because the world judges your parenting based on whether there's chocolate milk spilled down the front of their shirts and noses crusted over with big green boogers. But whether I personally valued keeping them in clean(ish) clothes with combed hair becomes irrelevant as I care enough about keeping up a respectable parenting image to DO so.

Fulfilling the role of a decent parent requires reading to the girls and working on teaching them their letters. But simply by doing it because it's one of those things I should do creates the good parenting because I am reading to them and working on their letters.

Feeling like I ought to occasionally throw vegetables and other strange foods at them and expect them to eat means that I occasionally I actually give them vegetables and other strange foods to eat, therefore meeting whatever notions society holds about children needing to be offered such things and hence being a good parent.

Or, dress as the person you want to be,  not the person you are. 


And you see, this is where I start to wonder about the future application of this concept. If I have become a good parent merely by doing what the general populace seems to think I should do, what else could I become by allusion alone?

If I keep faking having self confidence, will I eventually ACTUALLY BE self confident? If I never stop pretending that of course life is just fine, then one day will it really be so? If I dress myself like a responsible adult for long enough, will I stop feeling like I'm just wearing a costume? If I keep acting like I know what I'm doing at work, will I start honestly knowing what I am doing?

And, if I really have this sort of control over shaping who I will become, how do I decide what person I want to be?

2 comments:

  1. I keep trying to comment and I keep getting kicked out. Sometimes, Blogspot really sucks. Anyhoo, I dedicate my post today to you.

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  2. I definitely still feel a certain amount of still faking it, but the self confidence really has increased.

    Ben is surprisingly helpful at helping people decide what sort of people they want to be.

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