Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Dear Dream Fairy, You Sucketh

Dear Dream Fairy,

I would like to lodge a formal complaint with you, as my dreams have not been up to standard recently.

I know you are a busy little being, off bringing dreams to the world and all, but I would greatly appreciate your attention to this sub-par quality that's been coming through.

Allow me to give you some examples.... 

No parent or child caregiver should ever have to have dreams of changing especially disgusting exploding diapers (believe me, they do enough of that during their waking hours). However, this last week I have had very vivid dreams of just that on THREE separate occasions, and one of them didn't even involve my own child! No more dream poo in slumberland, mmkay?

I deal with time and stress and the need to be places at certain times and the stress of that possibly not happening and why on earth can't my children put on their own shoes and coats when we're running late on a very regular basis. I really don't need to wake up in the middle of the night with my adrenaline pumping and freaking out about being late to something that never actually existed in the first place. I'm having an unpleasant physical reaction to these mental flights of fancy you're sending me. And it sucks. Do you think we could do something about it, and like, not take a few years off my life due to imaginary stress?

And staying on the theme of having physical reactions to mental flights of fancy, the dreams where I end up doing stuff like having sex with my boss (whom I don't even have a particular fancy towards) in very extreme circumstances (terrorists take over the store, we were on a plane that crash landed on the Swiss Family Robertson island, turns out he was training me to be a covert operative for the CIA this whole time, etc.) weird me out. A lot. And then I go to work and get all discombobulated from it. Now, if you just need suggestions of men to stick in that leading man role, I would certainly be happy to make a few, as Leo DiCaprio and Hugh Jackman spring readily to mind....

The dreams of commercials make me want to stab my brain. Please fix that glitch and make sure the updated spamware is installed. Thanks. 

Finally, could I just stop having the ones about horrible things happening to my children? I know, dreams are playing out your subconsciousness and I can't help but be bombarded by all the ways my children could possibly die from sleeping in beds with blankets and stuffed animals or by eating peanut butter, but I wake up crying from those and then have to go risk waking up my peacefully slumbering babies just to hold them until I feel better. They're sleeping through the night these days (well, most of time anyways), I should be too.

Thank you for your attention to these matters, I look forward to getting them resolved promptly.

Like, perhaps tonight?

Sincerely,
Me

1 comment:

  1. I keep dreaming that I put my daughter down, turn around, and she's gone. Guess it's my dream of having a someday daughter that's dying?

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