Tuesday, March 27, 2012

A Sour Mood for Facebook

I should not go on facebook when I'm in a crummy mood, as I become especially cynical of the little slice of world filtering through the internet to me. Luckily, I'm usually very un-chatty in my sulkiness, thus leaving all this unsaid.

Until NOW!

First comes the melodramatic semi-cyptic status updates, not entirely dissimilar to what 14 year old girls and philosophy majors  post every five minutes.

I can't believe my life has suddenly come to this horrible amount of unbearable suckiness, how can I possibly still put on pants in the morning without my lucky penny?

Men are like bras, they break after going through the dryer twice and your friend always has bigger implants.  

The seeds were sown on a rock pile and yet I keep watering it and expecting petunias to sprout. Damn you petunias, damn you to hell.

I have everything Christmas specials say I need to be happy and yet I'm a sobbing mess over my complete lack of money, luxury car, and awesome penthouse suite.  The world lies, dear children, it lies indeed.

Then comes browsing the newsfeed.

Pictures are bad.

Aw, she looks so incredible while pregnant, I can't wait until she hits 38 weeks and gets fat just like everybody else. 

What a nice couple, standing there looking so coupley and happy... *sob* why don't I have some cute guy to take retarded smoochy pictures with on a beach and why don't my boobs look that awesome in a bikini?

Oh look, food. I wonder what Oyakodon is. I'm sure my peanut butter sandwich is almost as delicious. 

Wow it must be such an amazing experience to spend spring break doing some awesome trip with 12 of your best buds. I'm sure there *could* have been a reality in which I did that too. You know, hypothetically had friends and did shit.

Hey lookie there, more food! I hope they choke on it. 

Status updates are worse.

I'm so glad every other parent on the planet does better parenting than me. 

Oh yay, you got your dream job right out of college, I couldn't be happier for you while wanting to bash your skull in. 

Lots of people are going to see some probably awesome movie this weekend that I might manage to watch in about 5 or 6 years when it's constantly on cable. I better go look up the internet references to it now so I don't sound like a complete moron in every conversation for the next month. 

Seriously, do American's do NOTHING besides food as a hobby?

And then there are the dreaded moments where I accidentally left the chat window up.

No I don't want to talk to you, you're a 26 year old trust fund baby who hasn't a care in the world except for the really stupid ones you make up in your own head while insisting on giving me parenting advice on matters (namely, children) which know absolutely nothing about. 

Gah, you can't have a conversation with me without making it blatantly clear by the third sentence that you want to sleep with me regardless of the subtle fact that I really don't want to sleep with you.

Why do you always ask me to go get coffee? I don't even drink coffee, you should know that by now, we've been having this conversation for 8 years.

Yes. You're perfect. I know. Thanks for telling me. Again. I might have forgotten.

No I don't want to sleep with you either, do ALL of my male friends only want to sleep with me?


  1. Oh, not just your *male* friends ... baby. *eyebrow waggle* (I wish to make it clear that I am joking.)

    I find that going on Facebook at all these days basically costs me more energy than the value it gives me. I have email notifications set up for pics, events, and messages, and otherwise I avoid it.

    1. That made me bust out laughing, thank you Heather! <3

  2. You need to insert more browsing pictures of funny cats into your facebook schedule.