Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The Ex Scale

You know how doctors office have those cheesy pain scale smiley face charts, which are supposed to unify the levels of pain you're feeling at any one time to be easily referred to and referenced by others?

I think there should be a similar scale, but to cover the social no-no topic of "how are things going with your ex?" and similar probings.

You shouldn't need to give a long detailed ramble about your personal life, you should just able to say things are about a 3 this month and have it immediately understood by all, and subsequently be left alone from further questioning.

  1. You think your ex is just so awesome and love them to pieces in the appropriate-for-being-divorced sort of way and only what the absolute best for them in just everything. Also, your psychiatrist just upped your prescription of Zoloft and you've been popping Vicodin like candy since a root canal last Tuesday. 
  2. You have come to calm collective center accepting the dissolution of you marriage and have found a new inner peace of acceptance. You have also been doing meditative yoga under the tree in your backyard for 3 hours a day and started regularly eating a lunch of dandelion leaves.
  3. Meh, you got your stuff worked out and at least have a mutually distant relationship established. It's not worth the energy to hate them, but you probably wouldn't cry if they got hit by a bus tomorrow either. Biggest goal now is not ending up in a horribly cliche and horribly awkward closed quarters situations, like trapped alone in an elevator together for 29 and a half hours. 
  4. You're considering what would be needed to enter the witness protection program and be moved to another state so your ex would not know where you are, and therefore never be able to contact you. You walk around the house muttering that fucking bastard to yourself, while somewhat regretting not killing them when you had the chance.
  5. You are actively calling hit men to place a bounty on their head. Going to jail for the rest of your life would totally be worth it. 

Side note: it is VERY hard to write anything remotely humorous about divorce after going through it (which is probably why there really isn't much of anything out there). However, I personally feel that being able to laugh about thing sometimes, even the really crummy stuff, is a powerful coping mechanism and stress relief. If you happen to be in a situation where reading this made things feel just a little tiny bit better for you, I would love to hear about it. Please feel free to leave a comment or shoot me an email. And take heart, no matter how shitty things are, a) they can totally get worse and b) this too shall pass.


  1. I totally agree. I love the scale. You have to eventually be able to find humor, since homicide is frowned upon.

    I should come up with one for how freakin' awkward it was for my ex to show up at the girl's dance recital after not seeing her for 12 or so years. Scratch that - can't think of anything more awkward!!

  2. I can sympathize. What I have to actually say will remain in my head, if I wrote it down it would be called premeditation. ;)

  3. I loved this... and (as much as I shouldn't say this because I don't really mean it and if the ex sees it she will have me arrested because she is a horrible, mean, vindictive person who is really ugly on the inside) I would say that my relationship number is 5...

    You made me smile - Almost five years out and I can barely find the humor in the torture that my ex puts me through.


  4. Ha! I was amused, for what it's worth.