Thursday, August 2, 2012

When I Rule the World

When I rule the world, pancakes will be considered a staple component of all meals, including holiday dinners. And households will have classy silver syrup holders to play alongside the classic silver butter dish.

When I rule the world, bathroom vending machines will sell hair ties and FastFlats.

When I rule the world, women's sexy panties will come in fun prints, like dinosaurs and 80s cartoon characters. The fancy panties shouldn't be the ones with green polka dots and lace trim, they should be the ones with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and My Little Ponies on them.

When I rule the world, schools will teach children how to think.

When I rule the world, all large corporations (I'm looking at you, Target) that  require employees to work non-traditional hours will also be required to partner with local childcare facilities and provide discounted child care packages for their employees that cover care during the hours they are actually working. This includes evenings, very early mornings, and holidays.

When I rule the world, electronic devices will come standard with drool proofing and toddler-drop-resistant covers.

When I rule the world, people will only be allowed to discuss religion and politics if they can do so in a mature, educated, and respectful manner. Those found in violation of this enactment will be required to live in isolation with only the other violators until they have been rehabilitated into polite society.

When I rule the world, bookcases will be the swag of the living room instead of stupidly large television sets.

When I rule the world, there will be restaurants that don't serve french fries that still have playplaces or other equally small child friendly atmospheres.

When I rule the world, destroyed jeans full of holes will not cost more than intact ones.

When I rule the world, work places will have annual events like pajama day and superhero day which require appropriate wardrobe selection from all their employees.

When I rule the world, all apartments that allow children will also allow pets.

When I rule the world, it will be illegal to give you a cherry on top of your chocolate shake inside of a curved plastic lid with no cherry-removing-device also being provided (I'm looking at you McDonald's). 

When I rule the world, trampoline will be a standard flooring option.

When I rule the world, people will actually find merit in life proportionate to their effort and dedication.

When I rule the world, photoshopping magazine pictures to make women appear inhumanly skinny or otherwise artificial will be socially frowned upon and discouraged. 

When I rule the world, important documents will be legally signed with my thumbprint on my smartphone.

When I rule the world, gummy bears will be seen a classy candy choice.

When I rule the world, blogging will be seen as a respectful ambition and those who dedicate their lives to creating the entertainment on the internet will be recognized heroes of society. 

1 comment: