Thursday, May 23, 2013

The Fog

I have been succumbing deeper and deeper into a fog of being. 

I'm sure some of it is simply a lack of sufficient sleep, and consequently I'm sure some of it could be helped by simply managing to sleep for twelve hours a night for a week. 

However, I am intimately familiar with how sleep exhaustion feels, and this fog isn't just it. 

This is the fog of stress. 

A little bit of stress gets taken in stride, with few indicators of it shown beyond perhaps being slightly shorter with people. 

A lot of stress brings the dramatics and my freaking out. It is often loud, sometimes illogical, and usually fades as quickly as it appeared once the trigger point is removed. 

But then there's the level of stress where I'm so stressed I'm beyond freaking out and just stop connecting with the world. 

There are still attempts at forced cheerfulness and attempts to fulfill  societally expected human interactions, and the occasional moment where I managed to forget everything that caused the fog in the first place. 

But they are brief and fleeting. 

I'm buying a home, and on top of all the normal stress with things like inspections and mortgages and changing the kids' schools and physically moving my shit to another location that people experience with this process, I have the city of boulder to deal with because it's their program enabling me to buy this stupid condo in the first place, which is just like a second mortgage stress but 500 times worse. 

(Ok, I don't actually think the condo is stupid, but all my fair and rational self restraint has already gone into not saying fucking ever other word during this. Mostly just because I'm writing on my phone and it keeps changing it to ducking thanks to autocorrect, but still....) 

Plus there's all these issues with there just not being quite enough money and I keep staring at my bank account like somehow there will just be a few extra thousand dollars that I forgot about sitting in it, which has become such a bad compulsive habit on my part I am now having horrible dreams where I continue to stare at my bank account and every time I glance away the numbers reshuffle into something less, and despite having gone over budgetary things again and again before trying to buy it I'm starting to doubt my capacity to do this at all because it's not coming together like it should. 

And then there are the children. Who are always there. And always have stuff like teeball practice and preschool graduation to go to. And always need stuff. Like to be fed dinner. Didn't I just feed you dinner yesterday? Can't I just let you sustain on doughnuts and caffeine? My diet is making a beeline to be that exclusively at the rate this week is going, surely it would be ok for you as well. 

And there's the new boyfriend, who is very good but still requires time and energy and attention and not just in ways like how I go out to dinner with him instead of sleeping at 7pm, but also the mental aspect where I'm trying to handle the huge tidal wave of emotions and thoughts that get sprung on me as a result of him not being a jerk. Something being good doesn't mean it can't also be just as overwhelming as the bad stuff. 

And there's work. You know, that place I've been spending 40 hours a week at for the past two years, and yet still haven't managed to get myself promoted to a level above where I was originally hired. So, add wanting a new job to the list of life while still dedicatedly working at the old just in case they decide I might be worth something after all. Plus I need that pathetic little paycheck. 

And just in case my personal life wasn't quite crazy busy enough, it's big annual turtle float fundraiser time at the preschool I'm on the board of directors of! Because really, there's nothing quite like being required to hit up businesses for money right after dealing with all the crappy money stuff connected with trying to buy a place to live. Oh, and sorting turtles. Who wants to pack boxes when they can sort and count hundreds of little plastic turtles out of trash bags. 

So, all of these things are causing such high levels of stress that I went way past the freaking out stage and am now in the fog. 

It's not so bad in some ways, at least I'm not freaking out any more. 

I'm also having trouble with stuff like taking the correct turns driving home because I'm so shut off and can't sleep because I haven't been able to sufficiently interact with people so there's way too much thought in my head that won't go away until I share it with someone but dammit I don't want to talk to anyone I just want to go to sleep already. 

Which is why I went to extreme lengths to unfog today long enough to write it to you even though I didn't want to. Maybe, just maybe, it'll let me go to sleep when I try tonight, having actually managed to say "hey, stuff's kinda hard right now world". 

If not, maybe someone will understand my need for caffeine and chocolate doughnuts right now. 

4 comments:

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  2. Here is a {{hug}} and a giant cup of coffee & 2 donuts!

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  3. This sounds so much like my life except that I have a husband to 1) share the burden with and 2) not have to impress like you do the new boyfriend (congrats, BTW!). After purchasing Wayne Manor, I am now working on a takeover of Wayne Enterprises, but I"m not blogging about it because I don't want my work to know. So I don't blog, because it's pretty much all I'm thinking about.

    I'm really excited for you on the condo!

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