Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Adventures of the Unqualified Ball Handler

You know what the Internet makes look awesome? 

Cake balls. 

A google image search brings up never ending pages of beautiful delicious bite size pieces of cake that were totally the height of chic in some previous time that I'm pretty sure is less than the past five years which is actually really damn good for when I usually get onto these trends. 

So I tried to make cake balls. 

It did not go well. 

Like many things on the Internet, there are all sorts of variations on the same basic recipe, and I did have some confusion over differing or contradicting instructions on how to make this shiny ball of awesome, but ultimately it looked like they all boiled down to mush a crumbled cake made from cake mix and a can of frosting together, make into ball shapes, and cover with candy coating. 

Sounds totally doable, right??

The Internet lies. 

Not only are things like melon ballers (yes, I own exactly 4 kitchen implements and one of them is now a melon baller because clearly a bread knife or pasta fork would be far too useful in my daily life) completely useless when dealing with cake mush, but the whole process is a never ending exercise of coating everything in the vicinity with the horrible disintegrating mess that used to be your ambition for kitchen crafts and is now not even fit to be sprinkled. 

And then you get about five balls in and have completely lost all hope for in any way salvaging what was once a cake full of possibilities cooling on your tidy counter before you massacred it into crumbs for this ridiculous whim, but you still have a bowl full of useless cake mush on one side and a bowl of melted candy coating on the other and you are desperate to save face and somehow make something, ANYTHING, that could be considered edible by anyone besides your five year old armed with a spoon. 

So I did the only thing I could think of. 

I made a cake ball cake. 

I am very uncertain whether it is fit for human consumption, much less in any way possibly good (even though I totally put sprinkles on it anyways), but just in case it IS, here are the amazing instructions for what to do with a whole lot of cake ball disaster. 

I smashed the cake ball batter mush into a Tupperware container, dumbed the square shape it made out onto a plate, and poured the candy coating over the top. 


Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go buy some cheap wine to accompany my anything but classy dessert.