Sunday, September 29, 2013

How to Buy Children's Shoes

  1. Discover one (or more) your offspring desperately needs new shoes
    1. You cannot physically cram the shoe onto the foot any more, despite being 98% positive they wore that exact pair yesterday without issue
    1.  The shoes are literally falling to pieces as we speak, and duct tape just isn't going to cut it this time
  2. Ignore your personal guilt for not noticing that your little precious snukums sneakers were on the verge of demise 
  3. Declare it to be shoe shopping day
  4. Ignore the chorus of whines about how they really really REALLY don't want to go shoe shopping
  5. Attempt to cajole into cooperation
  6. Go with Plan B. of yelling BECAUSE I SAID SO and muttering about how you'll make them walk to school barefoot tomorrow if they don't get their little rears in gear and get into the car now after they refused to go along with your previous nice mommy asking
  7. Briefly ponder whether you could stop by the liquor store en route to the shoe store 
  8. Decide that although being intoxicated just might make shoe shopping more enjoyable for everyone involved, it would still probably fall under bad parenting
  9. Feel guilty about yelling at the kids
  10. Promise to do fun things afterwards as an awesome bribe reward and to compensate for your personal guilt
  11. Have no less than three highly embarrassing and/or disgusting and/or terrifying parenting moments between parking the car and actually entering the shoe store
  12. Tell your children to sit on a nice quiet bench out of the way while you go track down a sales person with a measuring board
  13. Pretend you didn't see the little one fall (or was it pushed?) off the bench before you had even turned around
  14. Wince at your child's feet measuring weirdly, even though you knew they have measured that way every other time you have bought her shoes in her entire life which is why you are paying lots of money to the fancy shoe store instead of just getting her a pair of sneakers at Target
  15. Argue with your child over why they can't have ones that light up, have heels, make noise, have wheels, or come in a color that can be described as "daybright" (aka neon, aka my eyes are blind)
  16. Wonder, not for the first time that day, what possessed you to have more than one offspring as the one who isn't getting new shoes decides the perfect time for throwing a loud tantrum over her lack of new shoes is the middle of your argument with the other one 
  17. Attempt to short cut the tantrum with an old and probably of questionable hygiene peppermint dug out of the depths of your I-swear-it's-purse-and-not-a-diaper-bag-because-non-of-my-kids-are-in-diapers-anymore bag
  18. Ignore the part of your brain that is debating whether sacrificing good parenting standards is worth it for shoe shopping 
  19. Finally come to a grudging compromise with your child for several not-covered-in-flashing-lights-or-suitable-for-a-small-hooker pairs of shoes to try on
  20. Attempt to wrestle a foot into a shoe, while judging that your child has probably never put on shoes before in her life as she clearly has no idea what would be helpful to you in this process
  21. Chase your child's prancing feet around the shoe store on your knees as you attempt to feel whether there is enough growing room to keep you from coming back in less than 6 months 
    1. Ideally one pair would last for about the next ten years, but you know that's probably not actually feasible
  22. Finally catch the little monkey and hold her foot down with one hand as you poke at her feet with the other, demanding to know if she can feel your thumb or if they're pinching anywhere
  23. Cringe as she nearly bowls over other shoe store patrons in testing how the shoes feel when running 
    1. "These ones are good, they make me run faster!"
  24. Realize your not-getting-shoes offspring has been on a mission of destruction while you had been on your mission to see what sort of growing room a size 2 was offering 
  25. Attempt to neutralize some of your shame at what has happened to the store by hastily shoving shoes back onto shelves and hoping the sales staff didn't notice too much
  26. Repeat steps 18 through 23 at least half a dozen times
  27. Finally track down a pair of shoes that fit 
    1. And aren't an invention of Satan 
  28. Feel a (brief) moment of parenting success
  29. .....Which is promptly shattered when your other child knocks over a big display
  30. Extract the destruction queen from her latest conquest just in time to see the other one run out the store door
  31. Apologize to the sales associate attempting to ring you up as you bolt after the escapee
  32. Attempt to get your credit card out of your no-really-it's-not-a-diaper-bag-I'm-pretty-sure-I-just-like-big-purses-because-they're-so-trendy-these-days bag while keeping a firm hold on hands of your shoe store destroying legal custodys (aka children)
    • It's an acquired skill
  33. Pay far too much money for a pair of shoes your child will wear for 180 days of her life (if you're lucky)
  34. Smile at your child's joy at new shoes as she jumps up and down telling you that her new shoes even make her jump higher 
  35. Start laughing when your kids ask where their bribe reward for good behavior is as you load them into the car
  36. Decide maybe everyone needs ice cream anyways, bribe reward fulfillment or no
  37. Have the most angelically behaved little sweethearts anyone ever saw the whole time you are eating ice cream
  38. Sigh as the angelicness promptly turns back into bickering the second everyone is back into the car
  39. Conclude that you just need to live at the ice cream parlor
    1. Spend the rest of the drive home contemplating what sort of financial investment that would be, and whether it really just might be worth it
  40. Shoo everyone into their rooms (but mostly just yourself) for some rest time once you get home
  41. Realize you still need to get them snow boots some time soon
  42. Decide that this really might be why the internet exists with free return shipping
    1. Which can be taken care of tomorrow


  1. Hello, Stride Rite! And the lemonade bribe from Auntie Anne's.

    1. We don't have stride rite here!! I know, it is shocking and horrible, almost as shocking and horrible as the email I received today from the little local store where I purchase overpriced hippy shoes from telling me they're going out of business. Maybe the children just won't need new shoes any time in the next five years after all??